New year, who dis?
10 ways to become a completely different person in 2026
Are you looking for ways to upgrade your life and make a new start? Are you on the run from the law and looking to make a break for it? Maybe you’re just looking to pull a fast one on all those people calling about your car’s extended warranty. Well, for whatever reason you’re hoping to assume a new identity and personality in 2026, here are a few ways you can truly have people asking, “Whatever happened to them?”
Make the most of your features
It seems obvious, but nothing says a new you like a new face. Not that there’s anything wrong with your old one, but when looking to ring in the new year with a new identity, plastic surgery is a fine place to start. It may mean updating your Face Id used to unlock your iPhone, but think of it like a blank canvas. It will be so much easier to adopt all those new habits when you’ve got a new nose.
Incorporate a new nickname
Apparently people have been voting and collecting benefits under false social security numbers for years with no consequences. Who’s to say you can’t use that same faulty system to find a new name. Were you born a Bertha but always felt more like a Carrie Bradshaw? Comb through public records and find the name of a deceased person that fits your vibe for 2026.
Refresh your wardrobe
Throw out all of your clothes. Even the ones you kind of like. As soon as the clock strikes 12 on December 31st and we usher in the new year no one can ever know that you actually used to wear that. Whatever that is. It might be a little awkward when you strip down to nothing at the New Year’s Eve party and throw out bundles of what you wore in 2025, but everyone will be quick to understand once you put on those new threads. Can’t afford new threads? Cross that bridge when you come to it in January.
Get one of those pairs of glasses with a mustache and nose attached
Nothing will leave people scratching their heads more than if you put on one of those classic disguises: pair of glasses with mustache and nose attached. It’s been a staple in the comedy scene for years for a reason. Now, it’s time to make it main stream. Unhappy in your job and with your daily routine? Instead of building healthy habits and social skills, pop one of these bad boys on and voila! Now you’re someone with esteem and mystery. It really will solve any problem that you don’t want to deal with in 2026.
Get new friends
Have you felt that your old friends were weighing you down? Do they know you a little too well? Is having stable friendships in adulthood a little too simple and straight forward? Well then, get yourself on one of those new apps that’s like dating but for socializing in a platonic way. Take all the natural human emotion out of forging new friendships and just let AI handle it. You can be whomever you want to be and it’s easier to do that when no one really knows you. Abandon those who care about you so that you can seem cool to a new group of casual acquaintances. This can be rinsed and repeated in 2027.
Travel more
Ah, your handy passport. This could fetch a stunning price on the black market. You may also be able to trade it in for a new one after you’ve secured that social security number we discussed earlier. Once you make it out of the country, it may be difficult to get back in. Looks like you’re backpacking through Europe indefinitely. You’ll learn a lot about yourself and what it takes to survive with a new identity abroad. Consider this your Eat, Pray, Run moment, Love can be added later.
Intermittent fasting
Now that you’re on the run in Europe with a black market passport, it might be a good time to start thinking about revamping your physique. As money might be tight with this newly assumed identity, the best diet plan for your wallet will be intermittent fasting. That simply means don’t eat for extended periods of time. As with many meal plans, not eating can change your physique. Be mindful that you must break your fast at some point. This is not medical advice. It’s satire. I hope you realized that by now.
Reflect on your relationship with substances
Many people struggle with drugs and alcohol. However, some people’s personalities improve drastically when slightly under the influence. Figure out which camp you fall into. Are you someone who becomes more tolerable with a buzz? Sample opinions from your old friends before you ditch them. Although they may be too close for comfort, at least they can give you an unbiased opinion on how you handle your booze.
Find a new hobby
Let’s face it, you might have been living in the matrix in 2025. With your spare time, you might want to consider learning a new skill that enables you to live off the grid. Have you ever widdled something out of wood? Have you ever learned a new language so that you can better blend into your surroundings in a foreign land? What about starting a perpetual stew that you eat from every night to save money? (Note from the author: this last one really made my husband nervous). Whatever it is, find a new hobby that can assist you in reaching your bliss.
Increase your income
It’s very difficult to find fulfilling work that also pays lots of money. In this case, I recommend robbing a bank on the first of January. Most banks will be closed and no one will see it coming since everyone stayed up so late the night before. This is not financial advice. You may be able to check another box off of your new and improved identity list when you do this if you are lucky enough to get caught. Think of all the gym time and meditation opportunity you’ll have in prison.
Happy new year, everyone! In all seriousness, you’re perfect as you are and have the power within your heart to make any dreams you have come to life. Especially a perpetual stew.
